Kevin smith once did the worst tweet of all time and johnny depp was transcendent in the first pirates movie and now their daughters are in a movie together that their fathers are also in. That movie is called Yoga Hosers and its fucking terrible. It’s been a very long time since I saw a movie as incoherent and distasteful as this and hopefully it will be a long time until I see one again.
Yoga Hosers is about two Canadian teens named Colleen, played by Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith. it’s written by Kevin Smith, who clearly just found out about that cool slang word “basic” so all the goofy Canadian teens in this movie say everything is basic all of the time. can somebody check Kevin Smith’s twitter and let me know if he says basic a lot? Anyway the daughters Smith and Depp aren’t bad, and every kid should get to make a $5 million movie with their friends if/when their dads run out of ideas completely, but they presumably had the power to stop this production and they didn’t so i hate them for that. Justin Long turns in the worst performance since my guy Haley Joel Osment( who is also in Yoga Hosers!) in The Entourage Movie and Tony Hale’s character is like every other Tony Hale character without any of the laughs.
johnny depp stands head and shoulders above the other actors here, especially Justin Long. Depp’s role as a quebecois guy who’s some kind of investigator is perfect for him because it doesn’t require him to be good or work hard, it just requires that he give jack sparrow a cold and the affect of a classic french codeine addict. He pulls it off with aplomb. Which reminds me that every time I wanted to like the movie just a little bit or I found myself slightly warming to a character there was inevitably a Kevin Smith Moment™, a joyless joke about menstruation or poop or whatever other taboo he feels like courageously breaking at that time. awful. the guy is terrible.
the nazis are the size of little toy nazis and shaped like bratwurst and they jump into peoples asses and crawl out of their mouths. they look like these things(pictured below) and they’re called Bratzi’s. they are played by Kevin Smith.
There is one human(non-Bratzi) Nazi who’s calling the shots. That guy also sucks and the part that was written for him sucks worse. it’s basically an SNL audition where he does al pacino and arnold schwarzenegger accents while explaining his master plan, which is to make a hockey goalie shaped monster out of dead people and have it kill every art critic in Canada. He’s going to use the antics of an enormous husk of a human being in a hockey jersey to distract himself from critics who justifiably hate his work, just like Kevin Smith does every day. Art imitates life!
Basically what it comes down to is this is a movie that should not have been made. You’re allowed to make movies about whatever you want and you definitely are allowed to make fun of nazis but kevin smith clumsily trying to tack his brand of sophomoric bullshit onto something like nazism fucking sucks. stick to satirizing stoners and stick to doing it twenty years ago. Also this movie gives Canadians a bad name and i wont stand for that because they do such a good job of that themselves. If you’re looking for actually good information about 21st century Canadians i recommend Trailer Park Boys, Norm Macdonald, the NHL and Degrassi. Not this. Do Not Watch this movie under any circumstances. It’s a garbage movie and it does not deserve your support. Thanks.
“so much nein it’s almost ten”- Andronicus Arcane(“The Canadian Furor”)
“Haters have got to hate, like the douches have to douche. That’s the life, right there in a nutshell.” -Guy Lapointe (“Johnny Depp”)
for the second edition of the walderblog film review series(first one was entourage movie check it out on my blog) i watched Wilmington on Fire(available to rent on Vimeo for $7.99) which is a documentary about the only actual real deal succesful coup d’etat in American history. I recommend that you watch this film. The coup happened in 1898 and it happened because Americans are very racist people and the historical proximity to The Civil War meant that violent racists were as well organized and trained as at any time in american history except for all periods preceding and including the Civil War. The story of the coup itself is pretty wild and complex and it has a kind of bizarre mix of shady, complicated, bureaucratic maneuvering and just straight up slaughtering people in the street. The combination of political posturing and pure brutality is a formula that we see today in the ways that white supremacy enforces and maintains itself in America IMO. I’ve had a few beers.
I’m not going to retell the whole story of the coup, for that I’d suggest you watch “Wilmington On Fire”
BUT the events covered in this film illustrate a pretty typical arc in post-reconstruction America. All over the south, gains made by black Americans after the Confederacy got what was coming to it were clawed back in part or in whole by terrorists. Violent reactionaries with all the courage, conviction and hatred for the American government of todays jihadists formed groups like the KKK or the white government union or the Redshirts(hard to get more classically fascist than a group called *the redshirts* formed specifically to undermine democracy) and violently terrorized black people and any whites they determined to be race traitors. It’s a reality of American history that not a lot of people talk about and one that I wasn’t really familiar with until very recently so i recommend you watch this movie because it’s a striking example of how the moderate gains of reconstruction were stolen. Now I’m gonna talk about the people who are in it and then you should watch the movie.
Kent Chatfield’s devotion to this project and the strength of his convictions make him the kind of man I’d like to be one day. He’s credited as an independent researcher and the independent research he has done is the kind of real life Rust Cohle work that deserves a lot more respect than it receives. Dr. Lewis Manly is a descendant of Alex Manly,the black newspaperman whose paper was at the center of violence, and he provides invaluable perspective as an intensely intelligent man with concrete ties to the massacre/coup/injustice/refutation of the idea that America is unique amongst the world’s democracies. Other descendants of black citizens who were killed or otherwise harmed in the violence and destruction of property help to bring home the reality that these events, and all similar events that preceded or followed, have real impact on Americans today. This film is as sound a case for reparations for events that happened after the abolishment of slavery as you will find.To that point, the controversial Dr. Umar Johnson brings up the importance of lasting reparations like land or businesses since cash payments will ultimately just be invested back into the white community that has a near monopoly on land and business in Wilmington thanks in part to the events on 1898. Fair point, watch the movie.
Finally I wanna get back to the idea that authoritarian governments, or military juntas or revolutionary reactionaries or whoever, use a combination of bizarre legal maneuvering and pure physical violence to achieve their goals. Again I’ve had a coupla tall boys But the thing I’m getting at is that there seems to be an equilibrium you can hit where you’ve shown just enough respect for the rule of law that you placate the upper classes and they will look the other way while you kill vulnerable peoples, and given our president-elect’s apparent fondness for Rodrigo Duterte it’s an idea worth chewing on. Anyhow check out the movie. I recommend it. It’s good and I really think the civil war and the periods preceding and following it will deserve study forever. Not just because it’s a remarkable slice of history but also because these years reveal essential truths about America. Racial tensions that existed in this country before 1776 and will exist after I am dead were out in the open in the mid to late 19th century in a way that they have rarely been since and so the time period is an incomparable petri dish in which we can study the causes, methods and results of violent white supremacy in America. Watch the movie for a small taste of a small portion of those things. Goodnight. rare photo of early alt-right leadership
The Entourage movie is completely fucked. The major conflict in this movie is Adrian Grenier and Haley Joel Osmont both want to fuck Emily Ratajkowski but she winds up dating Adrian Grenier’s Vinny Chase. Haley Joel gets jealous and insists that the Entourage Brothers get cut from their dumber-than-dogshit movie about some kind of cyborg DJ that his dad is bankrolling. E from Entourage gets a girl pregnant but finds out that she wasn’t actually pregnant it was just she was playing a prank on him with her roommate who he also had sex with the same day and it’s perhaps the lowest stakes plot point I’ve ever seen in a movie and that’s saying something because I’ve seen the entirety of the Entourage Movie.
Russell Wilson is in the movie and he tells E you can win the super bowl even if you’re short. Tom Brady is in the movie as basically a reaction meme on a private jet. Sloan from Entourage goes into labor while watching a video of Johnny Drama Jacking-Off on TMZ. There’s a scene where Andrew Dice-Clay says 2 secntences while walking through Turtle’s kitchen in ways that make very little temporal or spatial sense and he actually advances the plot more than any of the 13 other people present for that whole party.
Ari Gold Super-Agent is still relentlessly cruel to Lloyd who tragically asks him to be in his wedding because he’s the clostest thing he has to a father because his father hasn’t spoken to him since he came out. Ari Gold’s emotional abuse is once again rewarded. George Takei officiated Lloy’ds wedding which was a Jewish wedding because, in the immortal words of that great piece of shit Ari Gold “My house my rules”
Haley Joel Osmont should be in prison for this one. Everybody in The Entourage Movie keeps insisting that the film within the film is amazing, that should be illegal.
I think the point of this movie is that I’m supposed to be glad that these men can afford this lifestyle? But I’m not, I’m the opposite. I’m mad about it. I’m really very mad that these people even decided to pretend to be these people.
Johnny Drama, after the video of him jacking off goes viral and he is contemplating harming himself, hears that E and Sloan from Entourage are having a baby and all is well. When E tells Vinny that Sloan had the baby he says “hows sloan” and E says “She’s over it” in reference to the aforementioned roomates that E fucked the other day.
The Scene Where They’re At The Golden Globe: Mark Wahlberg presents best Supporting actor to Johnny Drama and that sounds exactly like something me and my friends would joke about on Twitter. That’s one of the central problems with Entourage- we’re supposed to belive that these actors who suck are playing actors who are capable of making people feel things.
I guess I have no choice but to accept that Vinny Chase’s awful fucking Dj movie was spectacular, that it was a movie equally beloved on Wall Street and Main Street. But I cant. This movie and the entire entourage franchise are some of the most cynical and unrealistic pieces of shit I’ve ever seen. The other movie I saw this summer was the Warcraft Movie and that was less interesting but altogether less reprehensible. SO if you watch one movie this summer I guess it’s gotta be warcraft!
s my review!
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