THE anticipated entourage review

The Entourage movie is completely fucked. The major conflict in this movie is Adrian Grenier and Haley Joel Osmont both want to fuck Emily Ratajkowski but she winds up dating Adrian Grenier’s Vinny Chase. Haley Joel gets jealous and insists that the Entourage Brothers get cut from their dumber-than-dogshit movie about some kind of cyborg DJ that his dad is bankrolling. E from Entourage gets a girl pregnant but finds out that she wasn’t actually pregnant it was just she was playing a prank on him with her roommate who he also had sex with the same day and it’s perhaps the lowest stakes plot point I’ve ever seen in a movie and that’s saying something because I’ve seen the entirety of the Entourage Movie.

Russell Wilson is in the movie and he tells E you can win the super bowl even if you’re short. Tom Brady is in the movie as basically a reaction meme on a private jet. Sloan from Entourage goes into labor while watching a video of Johnny Drama Jacking-Off on TMZ. There’s a scene where Andrew Dice-Clay says 2 secntences while walking through Turtle’s kitchen in ways that make very little temporal or spatial sense and he actually advances the plot more than any of the 13 other people present for that whole party.

Ari Gold Super-Agent is still relentlessly cruel to Lloyd who tragically asks him to be in his wedding because he’s the clostest thing he has to a father because his father hasn’t spoken to him since he came out. Ari Gold’s emotional abuse is once again rewarded. George Takei officiated Lloy’ds wedding which was a Jewish wedding because, in the immortal words of that great piece of shit Ari Gold “My house my rules”

Haley Joel Osmont should be in prison for this one. Everybody in The Entourage Movie keeps insisting that the film within the film is amazing, that should be illegal.

I think the point of this movie is that I’m supposed to be glad that these men can afford this lifestyle? But I’m not, I’m the opposite. I’m mad about it. I’m really very mad that these people even decided to pretend to be these people.

Johnny Drama, after the video of him jacking off goes viral and he is contemplating harming himself, hears that E and Sloan from Entourage are having a baby and all is well. When E tells Vinny that Sloan had the baby he says “hows sloan” and E says “She’s over it” in reference to the aforementioned roomates that E fucked the other day.

 

The Scene Where They’re At The Golden Globe: Mark Wahlberg presents best Supporting actor to Johnny Drama and that sounds exactly like something me and my friends would joke about on Twitter. That’s one of the central problems with Entourage- we’re supposed to belive that these actors who suck are playing actors who are capable of making people feel things.

I guess I have no choice but to accept that Vinny Chase’s awful fucking Dj movie was spectacular, that it was a movie equally beloved on Wall Street and Main Street. But I cant. This movie and the entire entourage franchise are some of the most cynical and unrealistic pieces of shit I’ve ever seen. The other movie I saw this summer was the Warcraft Movie and that was less interesting but altogether less reprehensible. SO if you watch one movie this summer I guess it’s gotta be warcraft!

That’

s my review!

 

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