Goddamn The Yoga Hosers

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Kevin smith once did the worst tweet of all time and johnny depp was transcendent in the first pirates movie and now their daughters are in a movie together that their fathers are also in.  That movie is called Yoga Hosers and its fucking terrible. It’s been a very long time since I saw a movie as incoherent and distasteful as this and hopefully it will be a long time until I see one again.

Yoga Hosers is about two Canadian teens named Colleen, played by Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith.  it’s written by Kevin Smith, who clearly just found out about that cool slang word “basic” so all the goofy Canadian teens in this movie say everything is basic all of the time. can somebody check Kevin Smith’s twitter and let me know if he says basic a lot? Anyway the daughters Smith and Depp aren’t bad, and every kid should get to make a $5 million movie with their friends if/when their dads run out of ideas completely, but they presumably had the power to stop this production and they didn’t so i hate them for that. Justin Long turns in the worst performance since my guy Haley Joel Osment( who is also in Yoga Hosers!) in The Entourage Movie and Tony Hale’s character is like every other Tony Hale character without any of the laughs.

johnny depp stands head and shoulders above the other actors here, especially Justin Long. Depp’s role as a quebecois guy who’s some kind of investigator is perfect for him because it doesn’t require him to be good or work hard, it just requires that he give jack sparrow a cold and the affect of a classic french codeine addict. He pulls it off with aplomb. Which reminds me that every time I wanted to like the movie just a little bit or I found myself slightly warming to a character there was inevitably a Kevin Smith Moment, a joyless joke about menstruation or poop or whatever other taboo he feels like courageously breaking at that time. awful. the guy is terrible.

the nazis are the size of little toy nazis and shaped like bratwurst and they jump into peoples asses and crawl out of their mouths. they look like these things(pictured below) and they’re called Bratzi’s. they are played by Kevin Smith.

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that’s basic

There is one human(non-Bratzi) Nazi who’s calling the shots. That guy also sucks and the part that was written for him sucks worse. it’s basically an SNL audition where he does al pacino and arnold schwarzenegger accents while explaining his master plan, which is to make a hockey goalie shaped monster out of dead people and have it kill every art critic in Canada. He’s going to use the antics of an enormous husk of a human being in a hockey jersey to distract himself from critics who justifiably hate his work, just like Kevin Smith does every day. Art imitates life!

Basically what it comes down to is this is a movie that should not have been made. You’re allowed to make movies about whatever you want and you definitely are allowed to make fun of nazis but kevin smith clumsily trying to tack his brand of sophomoric bullshit onto something like nazism fucking sucks. stick to satirizing stoners and stick to doing it twenty years ago. Also this movie gives Canadians a bad name and i wont stand for that because they do such a good job of that themselves. If you’re looking for actually good information about 21st century Canadians i recommend Trailer Park Boys, Norm Macdonald, the NHL and Degrassi. Not this. Do Not Watch this movie under any circumstances. It’s a garbage movie and it does not deserve your support. Thanks.

 

Classic Quotes:

“so much nein it’s almost ten”- Andronicus Arcane(“The Canadian Furor”)

“Haters have got to hate, like the douches have to douche. That’s the life, right there in a nutshell.” -Guy Lapointe (“Johnny Depp”)

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